Pain Demands to Be Felt
by kats96
Summary: Artemis knows Butler's secret, but what he doesn't know is how serious the affliction is…


**Excerpt from Artemis Fowl's diary, disk 3**

**(encrypted)**

_I have long since known of Butler's secret of reading romance novels. I caught him paging through a couple of Violet Tsirblou's books on more than one occasion. Of course, I would never let him know that I know this. With a reputation such as his, he would be beyond mortified if anyone knew. So whenever I see him reading such a story, I always make my presence known before I enter the room, granting him enough time to hide the book under a stack of newspapers and pick up something like _Guns and Ammo_ or a manual of some sort. I don't think any less of him for enjoying such trivial, clichéd stories. Everyone needs a form of release. With all the stress he is under as my bodyguard, Butler deserves to read such mindless tales. They're probably a pleasant break from the lives we live._

_ I just worry that if he finds out I know his secret, it will change things between us. Butler is one of my closest confidantes, and I would hate to see this ruin that…_

Hide and seek was a game Artemis Fowl absolutely detested. The twins often coerced him into playing the inane game with them, and it was by far the worst torture Artemis could imagine. He saw no point in participating in a game where he was forced to seek out people who did not want to be found. Yet he found himself playing a game of hide and seek of sorts with Butler.

Artemis had some ideas for his latest plan that he wanted to bounce off his bodyguard, but Butler was nowhere to be found. Artemis had checked the most likely locations (the kitchen, dojo, and gardens) with no luck. Butler's room was also empty. It would have been much easier to look for him on the internal security cameras, but Artemis's mother insisted they be removed. She wanted privacy in her home, she said, and the external cameras were more than enough for surveillance purposes.

So Artemis was forced to scour the manor one room at a time in search for the manservant. It was unlike Butler to go missing. After all, he had responsibilities to attend to.

As he passed by the study, Artemis heard muffled noises from behind the closed door. He stopped and cocked his head to the side, listening. What he heard sounded almost like… crying.

Artemis reached for the doorknob and twisted it, but the door was locked. Unusual. He pressed his ear up against the wooden door. The noises were definitely crying noises. Artemis knew that his parents had gone into town with the twins, so the only person who could be behind that door was Butler.

Artemis rapped on the door. "Butler!" he barked. "Are you in there? Is something wrong?" The noises lessened, as if someone were trying to hold them back.

Artemis was starting to worry now. What would cause Butler to lock himself in the study and cry? The bodyguard had been trained to never show emotion, let alone break down in a fit of tears. Something unthinkable must have happened.

"Butler!" Artemis called again, not caring that some of his worry had slipped into his voice. "What happened?"

There was no reply.

Then a loud sob ripped through the air, sending goose bumps up and down Artemis's flesh. The sound was animalistic and raw, and Artemis felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up on end. Part of him wanted to run away as fast as he could to put as much distance between him and whatever was happening behind that door. But the other part of him needed to know what was causing the bodyguard so much anguish.

Artemis knocked again. "Butler!" he shouted. "Are you okay?"

At last, Butler spoke. "Okay?" he repeated softly. Then, in a more disheartened tone, "Okay." And then he was crying again.

Now Artemis was in full panic mode. "Butler, open this door right now! If something is wrong, I need to know." Artemis heard shuffling, and soon the door opened to reveal the tear-streaked face of his bodyguard. Butler's eyes were bloodshot. In one hand, he held a soaked, tattered tissue. In the other, a book with a bright blue cover.

"Butler, old friend, what has happened that has you so distraught?"

Butler smiled sheepishly. "Nothing's wrong, Artemis. I was just reading this book." He held it up for Artemis to see.

"_The Fault in Our Stars_," Artemis read aloud. "Shakespeare. 'The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings.' What kind of book has a pretentious title like that?"

"It's…" Butler hesitated. He was afraid to tell Artemis about the book. After all, it wasn't typical reading for someone like him. But if he didn't tell Artemis, he would just look it up for himself, and that would be even more embarrassing.

"It's a young adult romance novel," Butler said finally. "It's about two teenagers with cancer who fall in love despite their unfortunate circumstances. It's such a touchingly painful story, and it's beautiful. The characters are so well-written, and their pain is your pain. And it made me think deeply about life and death and how truly fleeting life is, something I have never experienced while reading a book. So go ahead and ridicule me for reading something aimed toward teenage girls. I don't care. This book has changed my life."

Artemis was speechless. He had not expected anything like this. Butler was adamantly defending himself and the book, and Artemis wasn't sure how to respond.

"I… I'm not going to make judgments of you," Artemis said finally. "I just don't understand how one can become so emotionally invested in a book."

"I can't explain it," Butler said. "You would just have to read it for yourself. You can, if you want. I'm almost finished with it."

Several days later, Butler found Artemis staring at the cover of the book, eyes red from crying.

"Well?" Butler said. "Did you finish it?"

Artemis nodded.

"Now do you understand?"

Artemis looked up and said, "I do, Butler. I do."


End file.
